DrunkBot Dials so I don’t Have to Dial Drunk

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Hey all you techno-wizards, it’s me your old pal Donnie Drunkard coming at you from Bob’s Beer and Billiards. I want to share with you another one of my brilliant ideas. These ideas come to me after about my 8th beer. It’s amazing, all I have to do is pound beer and I am a genius.

I was listening to the new phone-calling assistant from Google and it occurred to me… this is what I need! The last time I called to make a hair appointment, I dialed the pizza parlour by mistake and all hell broke loose. I ended up with a hair and cheese pizza that was really nasty. Even my dog wouldn’t eat it!

So here is what I did. I got together with my geekbuddy Edwin Klank and he helped me make the DrunkBot. It is a personal assistant which keeps you from dialing drunk, since it does the dialing for you! Edwin and I are super excited with the result and we decided to put DrunkBot to the test and see how he did. Here is the transcript of our first interaction and call.

Me: Hey DrunkBot!
DrunkBot: What?
Me: Wake up DrunkBot I have a task for you!
DrunkBot: A flask?
Me: No a task, a job, a thing to do, do you read me?
DrunkBot: Read you? I read books?
Me: Ok listen dumbass, call my ex and tell her I still hate her ok….
…. dialing sounds ….
The Ex: Hello?
DrunkBot: Are you the ex?
The Ex: What do you mean?
DrunkBot: I mean did you divorce Donnie?
The Ex: Yah of course I did. That useless sack of crud made my life miserable. I don’t miss him for a second.
DrunkBot: He asked me to give you a message…
The Ex: A message? A message? I don’t want no stinkin’ message from that loser!
DrunkBot: He wanted me to tell you, he still hates you.
… loud laughing… more laughing… still more laughing…
The Ex: Tell him he is a total bag of dung and dung doesn’t hate, it stinks!
DrunkBot: I will relay your message.
… more laughing ….
The Ex: Ok thank you and while you are at it, let him know he is ugly and stupid too!
DrunkBot: Ok, message received.
…. more laughing … breaking bottles … more laughing
The Ex: Good boy, now go and tell him to jump off a cliff!
DrunkBot: Ok, but I don’t think he will do it.
…. more laughing …
The Ex: Give it your best shot!
DrunkBot: OK
The Ex: Goodbye loser!
(hangs up)
DrunkBot: She said to…
Right about then I crushed the DrunkBot with a keg of beer. I called Edwin and we are back to the drawing board. This digital assistant thing is more complicated than I thought.
Anyways have a great day and I will see you around.
— D.D.

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Donnie Drunkard stumbled into the Old Strathcona offices on his way to the bar and he has never left. Too bad we decided to put a keg in the coffee room. Donnie sees the world through an alcoholic haze, and is convinced that he is a stable genius.

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