Manspreading Explained

I find myself, as director of the Moople Institute for Advanced Learning, having to provide the following public (or pubic) service information.

There as been a lot of “information” on the topic of Manspreading and much of it has been offered by those who do not currently possess a scrotum or the testicles contained therein.

The term can be described as the habit men have, of sitting in a public space with their knees spread wide apart.

It has fallen to this humble author to elucidate this phenomenen.

Let’s get to the facts which will be particularly helpful for those who currently don’t possess the aforementioned accoutrements.

• The natural habitat of the scrotum and testicles is below the crotch and between the thighs; an area known as the “thigh crevasse”.
• Sitting down reduces the thigh crevasse to a narrower space than is available in a standing position.
• Testicles do not automatically leap to the top of the thighs when the owner of said articles assumes a sitting position.
• When a testicular owner sits, the testicles assume a position know as “testicular stacking” in which one of the pair will be deployed on top of the other to adapt to the reduced available space in the thigh crevasse. The unfortunate one that is at the bottom of the stack experiences the “grape press” phenomenon which is exacerbated by the relative proximity of the knees; i.e. closer equals more compression.
• Manspreading is an attempt to deal with the above noted sitting issues.

Are there alternatives to manspreading?

One solution the testicular owner has after seating, is to place a hand down the front of the pants, cup the stressed appendages in a reverse grip and lift them into a more suitable space. This is both effective and offensive to the others sharing a public space.

A second possibility is for the testicular owner to back up to the potential seat, place heels together and toes apart while in a semi-squat, causing the knees to separate, and then quickly execute a pelvic thrust, inducing a forward testicular swing, and in that opportune moment, slam the knees and toes together and sit down. This maneuver requires a certain level of technical expertise and may require several repetitions before the practitioner “sticks the landing”, so to speak. As you can imagine, repeating the above maneuver multiple times, in a public space, may induce shock and revulsion in the observers.

As always, I can only hope my considerable expertise is of value to an eager public and for those of you in possession of the items under discussion, when asked “How’s it hangin’?”, the correct response is: “Like grapes, only fewer”.