Fifty Shades of Fred

Hello all my loyal readers (especially you women). I am pleased to announce my new book “Fifty Shades of Fred” is finally available for your reading enjoyment.

Here are a few exciting excerpts:

From Chapter One where Fred meets Natasha.

The hotel room was all satin and silk. Natasha was dressed in a lovely cotton sun dress (and nothing else not even false eye lashes).

“Natasha you are a vision, let me ravish you!”

“How the hell did you get in here?”

“Oh, well I was here to deliver your lunch but I thought you might like some Fred under glass.”

“I would rather see you under a truck!”

“Natasha please, you know I got the real magic.”

“Magic? How about you make yourself disappear or maybe I could shove a sword down your throat!”

“You really aren’t getting into the ….”

I never got to finish that sentence, as a lamp came flying through the air and knocked me unconscious.

I had the most amazing fantasy of Natasha and I, until I awoke at the local jail.

Excerpt from Chapter 11 Midnight in Mobile

It was a beautiful moonlit night, the placid sea reflecting the brilliance of the full moon.

I turned to the lovely creature lying on the beach beside me:

“My dear, moonlight so becomes you.”

“Fred, I am over here you are lying next to a gator!”

I leaped up and quickly ran over to my lovely Anna, who was seated on an fallen tree.

“Aw my dear this stump is a perfect place to cuddle”

“Fred, you say the stupidest things and besides its not a stump, its a log”

“Good point, but you do look so delightful in the yellow highlights the moon gives you.”

“That’s my make-up! I wear Mustard Satin by Sir Morton of Mobile.”

“Ok, well you still look pretty good, how about a big old kiss?”

“Ok, but you still owe me 50 bucks from the last time.”

“I swear I am good for it….”

“You had better be, you loser geek!”

I leaned over to kiss my lovely (and pricey) Anna, she quickly slid over and my face slammed down on the log, forcing my teeth into the gnarly bark.

“Ugh, that was nasty”, I said.

“Yeah nasty, but damn funny, you got brown stuff all over your teeth!”

“Anna, would you kiss me if I brush my teeth?”

“Sure, if you brush them with a street cleaner, go lie down in the road.”

“Let’s focus on the lovely moonlight shall we?”, I pleaded.

“Its not the moon you dummy, its the streetlight. You know the one I usually hang out under and wait for my clients”

I sighed “Yes I see, but can’t we just pretend?”

“Sure Fred you can pretend you aren’t a giant loser and I will pretend not to notice how ugly you are, how about that?”

“Double your fee?”, I enquired

“Come and get it big boy!”

Aww true love at last.