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Why Donald Trump is one of the good guys

Hey friends, it’s your old pal Donnie Drunkard here, live from Bob’s Beer and Billiards, the place where brain cells come to die. (A little joke!)

So I am throwing back my 18th beer of the day and then it hits me (not the beer, an idea!), how can I tell people just how great my pal Donald Trump is. By the way, Donald, I am still keeping a bar stool warm for you (don’t mind the urine).

Here is my top ten list of things that make him outstanding.

  1. He has never killed any Mexicans. Sure he calls them names and stuff but they are all grown up and know how to take an insult.
  2. He cares about the conditions in the internment camps for illegal aliens. They have a lovely place to stay and work for free while their deportation is being processed. You know how it is, processing can take a while, so they might as well do some useful work for corporate America while they are hanging out.
  3. He loves animals. I hear he loves pussycats and loves to pet them, anytime, anywhere.
  4. He is trying to save the world. More nukes, bombs, ships, and planes will make us safer because they are just for show. He is a showman, am I right?
  5. He cares about his heritage. He wants to make America white great again!
  6. He is a very humble man. Even he says “I am the humblest guy you will ever meet!”. Can’t get more humble than that. Am I right?
  7. He supports peace, right after he bombs the crap out of ISIS. Once they are all bombed out, everything will be butterflies and roses.
  8. He believes in God. He shows up for church on an almost regular basis, sometimes.
  9. He will reform our culture by getting rid of lies that other people tell. Sure he has told a few himself, but that’s ok because it’s not a lie when he says it.
  10. He will take on wall street by giving them jobs in his administration. Once they are on the inside they will be working for us, right?

There you have it! Any questions? If you do have questions, just shut the f**k up and listen to our man Donald, tell it like it is.

Ok, time for a bathroom break, see you next time.

— Donnie

Donnie Drunkard stumbled into the Old Strathcona offices on his way to the bar and he has never left. Too bad we decided to put a keg in the coffee room. Donnie sees the world through an alcoholic haze, and is convinced that he is a stable genius.

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