How to Pretend to be the Person you are not

Hello all, Fred Moople here again, with more of Fred’s valuable life lessons.

Today we are discussing “How to be the Person you are not”. The rationale for this lesson (soon to be a course from the Moople Academy for Advanced Learning), is that we need to be honest about our dishonesty. In other words, we know we aren’t what we pretend to be, so let’s just get better at pretending. Pretending is way simpler than actually developing some sort of congruence between who we really are and who we are pretending to be. That is way too much work!

Here are the steps:

1. Embrace your inner phony
   • Sure you hide your phoniness from others, but don’t hide it from yourself, repeat your mantra: “I am a total and complete phony. Phoniness defines me and I embrace my utter phoniness”. Feels good doesn’t it?
2. Smile all the time
   • Practice this is front of the mirror. Look at yourself and say “Hey you are a total asshole” and then smile real big. Keep doing that until the smile just explodes off your face.
3. Tell Others how much you appreciate them (you don’t!)
   • It is important to tell others that you always have their best interests at heart, especially when you are screwing them big time. Use phrases like: “I am your friend” and “You can trust me”. They buy that crap every time!
4. Put up signs in your office that say “Integrity” or “Respect” even though you have none of those.
   • This is so easy to do, and you can post selfies showing you in front of your meaningless signs. Remember they are just signs so you don’t even have to look at them yourself.
5. Post memes on Facebook like “Be true to yourself” or “Always do the Right Thing”
   • Again, so easy and these stupid memes are everywhere. No one but a six year old should really buy into them, but guess what! Adults do too!
6. Learn how to fake sincerity (your most valuable skill)
   • I admit this one takes work, so you will need to practice. Here are a few skills to work on:
     • Print out pictures of people you despise, then look at the pictures and tell them how much you love them and are concerned for their well-being.
     • Watch youtube videos of obnoxious and despicable things and then say out loud how much you value what they are offering.

Once you have mastered these steps, your life will be so much easier, since you have given up any pretence of actually being a good person and decided just to look like one, which is way easier.

You are welcome and I really appreciate your kind attention.

You completely phony friend, Fred “sincerity” Moople.

Addendum:

One more little thing. When you develop your “false persona” and become really good at it, you will occasionally start to express unrestrained rage. Don’t be concerned this is a normal side-effect of being a total phony. What new-agers call “your dark side” just starts to demand to be heard by acting out in really angry ways. When this happens, get a motel room and drink heavily for two days. This will wipe out your short term memory and you will be fine, once you recover from your drunken stupor.

F.M.